SOCIAL ANXIETY

I will admit it. I am socially weird and that is why I like to write. Writing is a way to expel the thoughts that are always rattling floating around in my head; my mind is always “on”. However, in social settings, I am usually the one standing alone in the corner of the room, staring out the window at some distant view or begging for a chore to keep myself busy, moving around the room to avoid conversation. I can be hard to approach and difficult to talk to. Sometimes I drift into my own thoughts and am unwilling to share them. This can cast me as being aloof, unsociable or even snobbish. But this is where I am misunderstood.

Do not get me wrong. I enjoy a good, deep conversation about important, complicated and complex things along with the rest, but if truth be told, I have trust issues. It takes a long time for me to “warm up” to people and by the time I finally find someone to converse with, it is time to go home only having to start this process all over again at the next gathering, usually with a new group of people. When I think holidays and parties, I am filled with a mixture of feelings ranging from joyous exhilaration to uncomfortable dread. I may seem all cool and collected on the outside, wearing a perfectly tailored look to appease whatever group I land up in, but inside?  Not so much. Inside, I am Jello left out on the kitchen counter overnight; an ice cream cone melting on a sizzling day; a drooping flower that has not been watered in a month. In fact, it was brought to my attention recently that perhaps I have social anxiety.

To compensate for all this, I learned a long time ago to be my own Zen Pal. Now this may seem like a self-love that thinks no one can meet my expectations, but no. Instead, I have become my toughest critic: I expect perfection; I loathe laziness; I have a hard time being spontaneous. But by focusing on myself as a priority and how I feel, I can take a deep breath, remind myself to take things in stride and go with the flow.  And if all else fails? Splurge on an ice cream sundae.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I know I am not the only one who feels this way. We all compensate in different ways, but we cannot be “Mr. Confidence” all the time. The bottom line? We all need to accept our strengths, our weaknesses and EVERYTHING in between. Even at age 60/70/80+ it is OK to be a work in progress. This past year has been a difficult one for many of us. However, growing confidence in one area allows us to move on and work on other areas. Let’s get outdoors and get back to living! Be kind to yourself, together we are incredibly resilient.

Carpe Diem!